Hey you,
I have become foolish, this you know. My emotions run wild, unchecked and unhindered, inappropriate all of them. I have lost the ability to converse with you, unable to judge how my comments are received, hurling comments, dangerous as grenades, into a void.
It is difficult, we both know this, and no one is to blame, yet I shoulder every perceived fault, bear the burden of every ill considered remark. I have no scale to measure my behaviour against, I am in uncharted waters, despite the landscape being oh so familiar. But times have changed; I have changed.
I am mocked by technology, each item as unresponsive as the last. I turn them off in fits of pique, damning them for their tranquility. Minutes later, I panic, certain that this will have been the moment and you have found me absent, worst of all, found me wanting.
I have wept sorry tears, drowning in pools of blistering shame, then convinced myself that all is not lost, that you are not lost, not to me, not yet, please not yet. Then I have cried again, with renewed hope, daring to believe, until my tears are exhausted, until the next time. This is my life cycle, my endless, recurring treadmill of emotion, because I don't know, can't know, won't know.
This is what I would tell you today.
I weep bitter tears for you, for the pain you are feeling, but I weep them for me too. Crying for you drains me, but your silence bleeds me dry.
I adore you still,
Take care xxx
Saturday 24 March 2012
Friday 23 March 2012
March 23rd, 2012
Hey you,
This is how it will be, I know this. My eyes were wide open, I knew the risks, the pitfalls, the joy and the pain. All of these though are magnified now, multiplied by circumstances we never saw coming. I have had a taste of what would have come later, sooner than I wished.
How I have mocked those who have travelled this road before me, pitying them, wondering at their motivation. Now it is all too apparent. The exhilaration, the anticipation, the intoxication. Inbetween, the silence, the unknowing, the anxiety, and yet one relishes them almost, knowing that when they cease the high will be that much higher, the taste that much sweeter.
This is an addiction; the nerves, the anxiety, the clock-watching, the worry, the despair, the need for that hit, that one hit, then the next one, and another, and yet more, then the longing for the next, sooner than the first, begging for the time between them to be condensed into yet smaller measurements of time.
Then the relief, the release, the confidence that now it will all be right, but even then, the anxiety insidiously creeping in again.
This is what I would tell you today.
I have no longing for withdrawal symptoms yet; my preference is for the aching toxicity of our need.
Take care xxx
This is how it will be, I know this. My eyes were wide open, I knew the risks, the pitfalls, the joy and the pain. All of these though are magnified now, multiplied by circumstances we never saw coming. I have had a taste of what would have come later, sooner than I wished.
How I have mocked those who have travelled this road before me, pitying them, wondering at their motivation. Now it is all too apparent. The exhilaration, the anticipation, the intoxication. Inbetween, the silence, the unknowing, the anxiety, and yet one relishes them almost, knowing that when they cease the high will be that much higher, the taste that much sweeter.
This is an addiction; the nerves, the anxiety, the clock-watching, the worry, the despair, the need for that hit, that one hit, then the next one, and another, and yet more, then the longing for the next, sooner than the first, begging for the time between them to be condensed into yet smaller measurements of time.
Then the relief, the release, the confidence that now it will all be right, but even then, the anxiety insidiously creeping in again.
This is what I would tell you today.
I have no longing for withdrawal symptoms yet; my preference is for the aching toxicity of our need.
Take care xxx
Thursday 22 March 2012
March 22nd, 2012
Hey you,
We have used the word too frequently, you and I. We have not thought about what it means, about its impact, about where it will take us, where it would have taken us.
It's a small word, and it can mean so little, be so informal, so casual. People drop it into their conversations all the time; it has become a common occurrence, an emotional currency, a shorthand version of so much more.
Is this how you meant it? Is it how I did?
I don't know the truth for you, and I suspect I never will. I can only tell you that when I first used it, it was a tentative reaching out. It became an expression of endearment. Was that its final meaning? When all was said and done, can I make that excuse? Can I reason away emotion?
When I used that word the final time, elsewhere, not here, it was a balance, a prop, a crutch. I teetered on the brink of an abyss, and used it because I was afraid of the word that I knew would replace it in time, if life had been kind and we had carried on. We had talked, both of us, about falling, you perhaps more than I. Did you realise how close I was to tumbling, out of control? Did you know it had started? Could I analyse your words, and tease out your meaning? Or in the end, did you say it casually, courteously, use it as a platitude?
Only you will know the truth of this; I suspect already that the time has gone when its truth could have been shared.
Today, this is what I would tell you.
Words can be powerful; they can support and charm, but they can damage and hurt. They can be dangerous weapons when defences are down.
But I adore you still.
Take care xxx
We have used the word too frequently, you and I. We have not thought about what it means, about its impact, about where it will take us, where it would have taken us.
It's a small word, and it can mean so little, be so informal, so casual. People drop it into their conversations all the time; it has become a common occurrence, an emotional currency, a shorthand version of so much more.
Is this how you meant it? Is it how I did?
I don't know the truth for you, and I suspect I never will. I can only tell you that when I first used it, it was a tentative reaching out. It became an expression of endearment. Was that its final meaning? When all was said and done, can I make that excuse? Can I reason away emotion?
When I used that word the final time, elsewhere, not here, it was a balance, a prop, a crutch. I teetered on the brink of an abyss, and used it because I was afraid of the word that I knew would replace it in time, if life had been kind and we had carried on. We had talked, both of us, about falling, you perhaps more than I. Did you realise how close I was to tumbling, out of control? Did you know it had started? Could I analyse your words, and tease out your meaning? Or in the end, did you say it casually, courteously, use it as a platitude?
Only you will know the truth of this; I suspect already that the time has gone when its truth could have been shared.
Today, this is what I would tell you.
Words can be powerful; they can support and charm, but they can damage and hurt. They can be dangerous weapons when defences are down.
But I adore you still.
Take care xxx
Wednesday 21 March 2012
March 21st, 2012
Hey you,
You aren't making this very easy, but neither am I. If this has to end, if there is no way, then we need to deal with this. Instead, we are talking of how much we care, how much we think of the other, what our feelings are, emotion upon emotion.
Does this mean it's not the end? Or a new beginning?
Perhaps we are exploring new possibilities, forced upon us by circumstance. Perhaps we are finding a new way to be, a way in which we can co-exist, a way where we can be close, but safe enough, distant enough to do no harm. I told you that I thought there was a better song to sing than the melody which was the soundtrack to my life; am I, even now, writing the lyrics for it?
I want you in my life, you know this. If I can only have a scrap of you, it will suffice, and I will know that in the alternate universe where life is kind to us, I will be sated.
If there is to be nothing though, nothing left over, then your kindness will not help me rebuild my defences. It will not salve the pain, it will not be a balm to the hurt. Instead, I will need you to be cruel, cruel to be kind. You will need to give me a reason to hate you, and a switch to turn off my feelings. If I was a stronger woman, I would know when the time came to leave, and I would walk away without any fuss. That isn't the woman that I am though, and I will need your strength to help me on my way.
Today, this is what I would tell you.
If you need to hurt me, I beg you, please hurt me well enough to make me feel it.
Take care xxx
You aren't making this very easy, but neither am I. If this has to end, if there is no way, then we need to deal with this. Instead, we are talking of how much we care, how much we think of the other, what our feelings are, emotion upon emotion.
Does this mean it's not the end? Or a new beginning?
Perhaps we are exploring new possibilities, forced upon us by circumstance. Perhaps we are finding a new way to be, a way in which we can co-exist, a way where we can be close, but safe enough, distant enough to do no harm. I told you that I thought there was a better song to sing than the melody which was the soundtrack to my life; am I, even now, writing the lyrics for it?
I want you in my life, you know this. If I can only have a scrap of you, it will suffice, and I will know that in the alternate universe where life is kind to us, I will be sated.
If there is to be nothing though, nothing left over, then your kindness will not help me rebuild my defences. It will not salve the pain, it will not be a balm to the hurt. Instead, I will need you to be cruel, cruel to be kind. You will need to give me a reason to hate you, and a switch to turn off my feelings. If I was a stronger woman, I would know when the time came to leave, and I would walk away without any fuss. That isn't the woman that I am though, and I will need your strength to help me on my way.
Today, this is what I would tell you.
If you need to hurt me, I beg you, please hurt me well enough to make me feel it.
Take care xxx
Tuesday 20 March 2012
March 20th, 2012
Hey you,
I think we know, don't we, that there is no going back from here? Neither of us has said as much, we may have vaguely alluded to it, skirted around the issue, and tentatively hinted at it, but I'm not sure there is anywhere left for us to go.
We had such a small time, yet we became so close I couldn't quite grasp it. I'm the worst of all things; a cynical romantic. I'm sure there is romance out there somewhere, I'm confident it exists, I'm just not sure that it has any relevance to me. You told me that I was special, you nearly made me believe it, and the fault lies with me that I couldn't take it in.
We're from different circles, you and I. You've told me we're not, but that's because you don't understand what I mean. Yes of course we have a similar upbringing, but it's what we've done since then that creates the chasm between us. You have fulfilled every dream, every promise, you have it all before you. I have failed at every turn, and disappointed myself. This is but one of the reasons this would never have worked between us. I like you so much I couldn't have endured your disappointment in me.
And yet...
In a different time, a different place, a different life, we would have met and loved each other with all of our hearts. Even now our minds mutually adore, and our hearts follow where our minds lead.
Even now.
Today, this is what I would tell you.
I adore you.
Take care xxx
I think we know, don't we, that there is no going back from here? Neither of us has said as much, we may have vaguely alluded to it, skirted around the issue, and tentatively hinted at it, but I'm not sure there is anywhere left for us to go.
We had such a small time, yet we became so close I couldn't quite grasp it. I'm the worst of all things; a cynical romantic. I'm sure there is romance out there somewhere, I'm confident it exists, I'm just not sure that it has any relevance to me. You told me that I was special, you nearly made me believe it, and the fault lies with me that I couldn't take it in.
We're from different circles, you and I. You've told me we're not, but that's because you don't understand what I mean. Yes of course we have a similar upbringing, but it's what we've done since then that creates the chasm between us. You have fulfilled every dream, every promise, you have it all before you. I have failed at every turn, and disappointed myself. This is but one of the reasons this would never have worked between us. I like you so much I couldn't have endured your disappointment in me.
And yet...
In a different time, a different place, a different life, we would have met and loved each other with all of our hearts. Even now our minds mutually adore, and our hearts follow where our minds lead.
Even now.
Today, this is what I would tell you.
I adore you.
Take care xxx
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