March 22nd, 2012

Hey you,

We have used the word too frequently, you and I. We have not thought about what it means, about its impact, about where it will take us, where it would have taken us.

It's a small word, and it can mean so little, be so informal, so casual. People drop it into their conversations all the time; it has become a common occurrence, an emotional currency, a shorthand version of so much more.

Is this how you meant it? Is it how I did?

I don't know the truth for you, and I suspect I never will. I can only tell you that when I first used it, it was a tentative reaching out. It became an expression of endearment. Was that its final meaning? When all was said and done, can I make that excuse? Can I reason away emotion?

When I used that word the final time, elsewhere, not here, it was a balance, a prop, a crutch. I teetered on the brink of an abyss, and used it because I was afraid of the word that I knew would replace it in time, if life had been kind and we had carried on. We had talked, both of us, about falling, you perhaps more than I. Did you realise how close I was to tumbling, out of control? Did you know it had started? Could I analyse your words, and tease out your meaning? Or in the end, did you say it casually, courteously, use it as a platitude?

Only you will know the truth of this; I suspect already that the time has gone when its truth could have been shared.

Today, this is what I would tell you.

Words can be powerful; they can support and charm, but they can damage and hurt. They can be dangerous weapons when defences are down.

But I adore you still.

Take care xxx